I just checked my top search queries from Blogger.

All I can say is this made my laugh out loud and don't tell me you did not either.....

Here it is: it's normal for me homie, get the cheese like macaroni!

I don't really know what to say. I don't know how my blog came up on this search, but it was number six so it was up there....

All I know is that I needed that guffaw!

It's been awhile

In true Amanda fashion I have uprooted the family and moved. In actuality I moved on the 21st of November but as you can imagine it's been crazy. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years is all behind us and I am looking toward a new year!

2010 here I come.

I have a new job and while we are currently living with my mom and step father, we are back home in Maine and happy about that. I wish I could have made Massachusetts work for us. I liked it there, the apartment, the people, the stuff to do. It was so great to be that close to where the Patriots play (one mile) and also a half an hour to Boston! The life there is completely different in Maine. Grocery stores are far more advanced and you can't buy lottery tickets in Mass on a credit or debit card; cash only! You know...the important things. HA

So Joe and I are seperated and while it's a good thing it's also very hard. I find it hard to discuss this aspect of my life with anyone, even those closest to me. My family have been through 12 years of this back and forth and I have put Jenn through 9 years. While I know that they all still love me, it's hard for me to put into words what I want. I just hope they can be patient with me and love me for who I am. All I want is to make it work, and for a long time it was. I think we can get back to that if the circumstances were different. I am just not sure. I am open with him about this, and he knows that we are going back to our couples therapist (he asked to go back also). He knows I still love him and he knows I can't tolerate the anger toward other people anymore. He is better than this and I know he wants to feel better.

Wow...I did not think it would be so easy to let that all out. Especially to people I don't know. The good thing about this is that I can move on and go forward and know that I am not being judged by myself anymore. I do it constantly and I am an excellent judge and jury. I don't want to be anymore. Anyone that is frustrated with me because of the constant back and forth with Joe should know that I am one million times more frustrated with myself. I am the Simon to my life!

So in honor of the new year I am making no resolution other than to say that I am going to go into 2010 with resolve on my mind. I am going to take care of all the debts I have incurred during this really rough 2009 and I am going to really step up the blogging. I think it will help me. I also am going to really put my best foot forward on school. I have let that slack way too long and I am not impressed.

I hope 2010 finds you all well and blessed!

What do you say?

What do you say when you are told you are loved?

What do you say when you are told you are worth it?

What do you say when you are told to stop holding it all in?

What do you say when you are told that you should take care of yourself?

What do you say when you read about how loved you are?

What do you do when your youngest little boy crawls in your lap and asks to keep you?

I know what I try to say. But the words don't come out right.

It's odd the love I have in my heart....

Let's start here: At the beginning of sorts; I love my mom...she is eccentric and loud, but oh my word she is so loving. She loves for all she is because all she ever felt when she was growing up was unloved and alone. Would anyone want that. People make comments about her boistressness; hell I do too....but really what is the hurt in a woman loving you so unconditionally?

I love my dad...He is one hell of a guy....quiet and sincere, honest, sensitive, loving....he loves me and my sister with every part of his heart and soul. He even still loves our mother because she is a friend and our mother, not many daughters have that kind of love to emulate....

I love my dad 2.0....he is not my stepfather, he is not a second anything...he was the one that loved me when I was an awkward, mouthy, bitchy little 15 year old and even then still wanted to be a part of mom's life and mine and Erica's....Not many people can say that.. He is also funny and loving...and he loves mom unconditionally and stands up for her when he thinks she is being wronged....even by her own daughters...which has happened once or twice....but they still come back with more love....I love him for that.

I love my sister...wow...I can't type anything without crying...I love her more than even I can comprehend...we had a rough start, just like lots of people out there...but the 5 year difference in our ages was hard for us....right around the time that she was starting to find that I was not the biggest snot in the world, I told her I was having my first little surprise (Ethan). She was upset at first but then grew to quickly understand what the hell I was going to face...not even two months later she tells me she was having her first little miracle (Darian). We have had our moments, but she still loves me for all that I am, and I love her for all that she is.

I love my aunts, uncles, and cousins....even the ones I have not spoken to in over ten years....the ones I am closest too I am thankful for that especially. I don't know the uncle and aunt on my dads side..unfortunately God took them before I could remember meeting them....My Aunt Phoebe is special to me....I love her and Uncle Dickie so much, and it breaks my heart when I can't get to see them as much....But I know that they know that I love them so much!

I love my children...end of discussion. If there was anything in this world that I know, it's the smiles on their faces when they greet me in the morning...it's the protective look on Ethan's face when he knows I am not feeling well....It's the words of love that pour from them when it's just us....It's watching them with thier daddy, and knowing that he is going to be there for them no matter what....It's all this and more...so much more! It's also the look on Dom's face when he says that he wants to "keep" me. I swear to the Lord above it makes my heart flutter when he says it.

I love my husband....so much so that I will not sacrifice his new educational opportunities just because things might not have worked out for us in Mass, which means we will be seperated again....I love his heart, his soul, the look in his eyes when he sees his boys run to him to greet him after a long day....I love watching him talk about our baby and how Ethan is growing up...I remember once when Ethan was young...I was mad at him for something and I told him I hope Ethan never grows up to be like you....he was hurt that I said that...but I was angry. The one thing I like to tell him now, is how I can't wait for our boys to grow up to be just like you. He might have had a rough start in life, and we might have had a rough start to ours...but this man has changed and morphed and turned into one hell of a stand up guy....when the chips are down he is my rock!

I love my best friend! There has been no one in my life that has "gotten" me completely and loves me for my faults and my mistakes. I have hurt her. She has frustrated me. I can not explain how much she means to me because there are no words. She wrote about me coming home on her blog here and it made me cry. I left to move to Mass at the end of August and at the end of November I find myself moving back to Maine. Since I have been gone Jenn has been dealing with stomach issues and sleeping all day and depression. I did not see this so I was unaware that it was as bad as it was. I am hoping that when I get home she and I can spend time together and get to the bottom of what is ailing her. Since I met Jenn I have found the other half of me that was missing. The friendships I had in junior high and high school were immature and not well rounded. I cherish them still (the few I have) but I know that Jenn and I connected on a whole different level. The type of relationship she has with her son and the mother that she is make me feel as if this world is not a lost cause. She requires her son to be respectful of adults and her as his mom. He is smart and witty. It's because she has put her whole life into making him the boy he is. She was the driving force to help him with his special needs. She was the one who was there for him and will continue to be throughout his childhood. He will be a stand up man and a great husband for a woman someday because of his mother and all her love. Everything she is makes me proud to have her call me her best friend. I am honored to have met her and seen her fight through many challenges over the last nine years!

What do you say when someone expresses their admiration and love for you?

Do you shy away?

Do you brush it off?

Do you expect it?

I just know that for myself; I feel loved!

Do you?

Get your sayings right!!!!

Tonight at dinner I was recounting something for Joseph and I said "Until the cat comes home..."

I chuckled, shrugged it off and said, I mean the cow! I meant "Cow".

Well Dominic pipes right up and as does most three year olds, he took it literally and said...."We no have a cow in the house, he won't fit". To which Joe told him that the cow would be sleeping with him, and Dom was not pleased and let us know that the cow would not fit in his bed!!!!

Something else!

Did you smell that?

Did you know that you can polish a poop?

Adam and Jaime do! Watch Mythbusters, it's educational.

What do you do?

Are there things that you, your spouse, or the both of you do every morning like clockwork. I was reading on The Wonderful World of Wieners about Hallie and her husband make the bed every morning.... It got me wondering because my household is a free for all and that is the only constant. It drives me nuts and I am trying to nip it in the bud. I never make my bed because my husband and I each have our own blankets...so making the bed is too much "work" for me. But I have to say when I do "make" the bed (throw my comforter over the whole bed) it makes it look nicer in my room. I want to do it, I want to be girly, I want to be organized....but I can't seem to stick with it...sooooo, I am asking you now...

What do you do every morning? (or night)

Worry

It's not a thing I like....

I worry when things don't seem the same. I am a natural worrier. I have worried more since my babies were born. The nightmares that I have had have woken me up screaming. I worry about everthing.

I do not like the worrying and I am not proud of being such a worrier. I see it as a weakness. But I love the fact that I am working on it. I allow my 10 year old a little bit more responsibility everyday. I am a little less stressed about my 3 year old. It's only because my husband has been increasingly more and more helpful over the years.

So my resolution for the day is (I don't do yearly ones) to be less of a worrier and more of a loving mom.

So what are things that bother you that you want to stop?